This entry is slightly different from previous ones (no, I haven’t found a man – don’t get too excited) but hopefully you will find it funny. On Monday I was approached, via the joys of facebook, by a delightful person claiming to be called Allen Snow (that’s apparently him on the left). Now I don’t know whether he’s called Allen Snow, whether he is looking for love or whether he’s actually just a spambot but this is the message he sent me:
i have been in a relationship twice and have not been lucky in finding my perfect match,i used to love completely with faithful loyal and honest to my wife,i love kids and wish to build a very succesful family.my exwife slept with my best friend so that lead to our break up.i also got involve with a canadian woman i met here on face book some times last year december,i bought a house for her and establish a business for her but unknownly to me she was married and she lied to me,so when i travelled to ontario to see her then i knew she has been lieing to me all this while.
i am an orphan with no parent,my whole family had a plane crash and i lost my twin sister and brothers to that accident,i was the only surviving child,i was very lucky that faithful day because i refuse travelling with my family because i wanted to go on adventure with my uncle who is a scientist.i cried everyday when ever i think about the lost of my family,i have promise my self to respect life,i have love and dream to have my own family with kids so i can regain my family lost,since am the only child,i need to get married and build a new family entirely with my new wife.
i will enjoy a family with wife and kids,i hate divorce and i promise my self never to divorce,i want to meet you now and stay with you forever so we can build a better and happy life together,i want you to know how much i can love you so you can feel the passion of my true and sincere love,pls dont let true love pass you bye.
i care about you and i prayed to GOD everyday to bring us together and i solemly swear by GOD that i will never forsake you because have never hurt any one before and i want you to know am the man you can trust and give your heart to in love and marriage.i care.thanks for reading my heart felt love.pls add me on firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for your heartfelt and romantic message. It made my heart flutter when I read your compliments and cry when I read about your plight as an orphan.
You have worked so hard since such a young age and I can see that you are a successful and amazing man. Your honesty, integrity and generosity is apparent throughout your message. I am so sorry to hear about the break up of your marriage and the deceit you suffered at the hands of the Canadian. I can assure you that I am an honest, loyal and dependent woman. I won’t ask you for homes, or cars or fancy gifts, merely your honesty and your love.
However, we cannot be together, for a tragic has too struck my family that means me and you can never be “us”.
At Christmas 2002, my family and I were celebrating the season in a most joyous manner. Laughter bounced off the white ground and sing in the bitter air.
We frolicked as my family and I constructed our annual Christmas Snowman and this year we planned making it our grandest yet.
Once we had constructed such a magnificent thing my family emplored me to photograph them to record the event for the rest of time.
As they posed beneath the mighty snow man, a group of drunk robins slammed into the ice-cold giant creating an earth shuddering slam. The top two-thirds of the snowman crashed down and buried my parents, my 6 brothers, 2 nieces, a couple of cats, and I think we had a goat too. They sadly perished beneath the sheer weight of that ice-cold avalanche. Their bodies were never found. To this very day, in the build up to Christmas, my heart feels heavy and as the weather turns cold, my fears grow. To this very day I can never leave the house when it is snowing. And indeed have developed a deep fear of it.
Therefore, I cannot be your wife.
I cannot be Mrs Snow.
AFTER YEARS OF WAITING AND SEARCHING FOR MY MRS.RIGHT TO SHARE MY LOVE
WITH,IT IS IN YOU DARLING THAT I FOUND ALL THE
INGREDIENT THAT WANTED FOR MY LOVE,MY LOVE I DONT MEAN TO FLATTER YOU,
YOU ARE THE ONE I LOOK UP TO APART FROM GOD OUR CREATOR.HOW PRETY YOU ARE MY DARLING ANGEL.
OH,HOW CHARMING YOU ARE,ALL MY MALE FRIENDS CONFESS IT,
YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND THAT A ENOUGH REASON FOR
ME TO LOVE YOU AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU,
THIS QUALITIES MAKES YOU DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER WOMEN.
I CHOSE YOU BECAUSE I DISCOVER A REAL PERSONALITY AND A CARING SOUL THAT IS GOOD.
I NDEED MY LONG WAITED PAID ME FOR MRS.RIGHT
,YOU AS MY LIFE PARTNER WILL BE THE JOY TO MY SOUL.YOUR LOVED ONE,OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GIFT,
I MUST CONFESS TODAY SINCE I SAW YOU ON THIS DATING SITE,
I HAVE BEEN FINDING OUT ABOUT YOU EVERY MINUTES OF THE HOUR,
I HAVE BEEN STUDYING YOU AS ONE OF MY SUBJECTS.DARLING,I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH,EVERY DAY AND NIGHT I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF YOU,I CANT WAIT ANY LONGER FOR THIS TO PASS ME BY.I STRONGLY BELIEVES THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO MEET YOU FACE TO FACE AND SAY THIS THREE WORDS TO YOU.
I L O V E YOU
AM TRUELY HIGH INLOVE WITH YOU,I HOPE THE RESPOND WILL BE POSITIVE.
BABY I HOPE YOU WONT LET ME DOWN COS MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER END,
I WILL SURELY DO WHAT I SAID ONCE AGAIN I SAY,MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER DIE.
IN MY HEART YOU RE STILL THE ONE THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE FOR YOU IN MY HEART WHICH NO ONE CAN TAKE,
THIS IS A MOMENT OF TRUTH AND LET THE TRUTH BE TOLD…..
IF THE TRUTH BE TOLD THEN I MUST ADMIT THAT YOUR GOLDEN QUALITIES ARE THE EXACT MATCH
TO MY LOVE ASPIRATION,MY LOVE SHOULD BE UNFEIGGNED.THEN OUR LOVE SHOULD SERVE AS EXAMPLE
OF WHAT AN I IDEAL LOVE SHOULD BE,THEN IF MY HEART SHOULD BE UNVEILED,YOU SHALL SEE YOUR SPECAIL
POSITION IN MY HEART WHICH NO ONE SHOULD SNATCH FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU RE VERY SPECIAL.
SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW YOU ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE,
YOU LIVE SUCH A GENERIOUS AND ENVIABLE LIFE AND YOU SHOW CONCERN TOWARDS THE PROBLEMS AND
NEEDS OF OTHERS,IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU POSSES ALL THE WEALTH OF THE WORLD BUT BECAUSE YOU CARE.
AND THIS TIME ARROUND YOU HAVE EXTENDED YOUR USSUAL KINDNESS TO ME.
WORDS MAY NOT BE ENOUGH TO CONVEY MY GRATITUDE BUT SURELY OUR GOD WILL RICHLY BLESS
YOU AND REWARD YOU FOR YOUR MAGNANIMITY.THANKS ALOT AFTER YEARS OF WAITING AND SEARCHIN I
FOUND MY SELF A TRUE LOVE.
The combination of the capitals, the very full on insistent tone, appalling grammar and spelling, and this photo that my friend Ellen found made me think that perhaps he wasn’t the man for me so I have now reported and blocked him. Oh the wonders of the interent, it really can be quite amusing!